The Society of Burgers is back!
Welcome back to the second chapter of The Book of Burgerology, as we continue our journey of burger enlightenment and realization.
In the first chapter, The Book of Burgerality, I summated for you a variety of common and rare burger personalities. Have a read…you’ll fit in there somewhere and then tell us what your personality is….we are a nosy bunch!!
Now, SOB is ready to reveal more exciting and perhaps burger altering speculatives on burger fare of which I call, The Book of Beasts Meats.
The Book of Beast Meats is a compilation of what your personality may be depending of the type of meat that lays between your buns.
Your personalized BBM is here…what personality type are you?
The Naturalist: Veggie
They refuse to eat anything with legs and wear that proudly on a t-shirt they hand screened themselves with environmentally conscious materials. They’ve done their homework; studying and testing many types of veggie burgers only to find out that the best kind of veggie burger are the ones with real meat. Don’t worry, it’s not to late; everyone eventually finds their way back to meat….it’s inevitable!” The naturalist can also be referred to as the learner. They can often be found snacking on oatmeal and grains and may have OCD.
The Borgs: Beef
Most of us are willing participants in this collective and this collective serves only one master…Hail King Cow! This ‘hive mind’ of subjugated recipients are controlled by a force larger than themselves and it usually consists of a whole lot of cheese & bacon. If you pay close attention you may catch ‘borgs’ in their collective splendor. Just head out to any Micky D’s around lunchtime and you’ll see for yourself but DO NOT attempt to approach a Borg if you do see one out & about; they confuse easily and have been know to revolt. Only approach a Borg if you want to be assimilated.
The Urbanite: Chicken
These self-proclaimed urban hipsters would choose fowl over bovine any day. They won’t commit to the extreme means of the Naturalist because it consists of way too much work but they like to be perceived as the group that ‘gets it and gives a shit’. They are somewhat consciously aware, always seem to be just heading out to a meeting, they watch John Stewart and sleep with one hand on their Ipad. They love spending money on unnecessary things and like to conversate about themselves, their art project, their loft or their scooter.
The Suit: Lamb or Bison
These people have jobs and usually pretty good ones, so they like to show off their culinary prowless by not playing the game the rest of the kids are playing. The Suits like to be above the heads of cows, so to speak, and delight in big game hunting, cigars, traveling and fashion, even if it’s just for show. They eat big as well, slapping down some fresh lamb and bison burgers on the grill or casing out favorite high stakes eateries that serve the ‘not so common.’ Don’t hate them for their celebrity lifestyles. Get a job, buy a BBQ and head to Sanagans Meats in Kensington Market and hook yourself up with some fine beast meats. Now, go impress your 3 friends.
The Radical: Fish
This group is the most unassuming of all. Always swimming up stream from the crowd, they strive on social anarchy…or at least talk about it a lot. They wear predominately black and always carry (not subjected to actually reading it) a hardcover biography of either Hunter S Thompson or Edgar Allen Poe in their vintage leather mailbag. They can often be found huddling in a small tight group discussing the civil rights of fish and the Amish. They may also be minimalists in their lifestyle and have been spotted shopping at IKEA.
The Outsider: Turkey
Turkey burger luvers just want fit in and will put their necks on the chopping block for just about anyone who asks. Lacking a certain amount of self esteem, one could call them pushovers; easily influenced and usually not in a good way. They spend their time at shopping malls because no has told them that it’s not cool anymore and sleep with a night light on…just because. They are not an impressive bunch but they are consistent and if you ever need someone to do something for you…just ask one of these guys.
Now go and get messy with your favorite burger!